You guys, am I allowed to say how dark 2014 has been for me one more time? I feel like I have said this a lot and truthfully have just been in a state of deep sadness since losing Addis that I know nothing coming from me has been that light...I feel bad about this. I understand that horrible things are happening to people all over the world and it's hard for me to truly feel sorry for myself because I'm always thinking about how selfish I sound -- but right now I just want to punch some holes in the sky with my anger towards this year.
It all started in June (yes, over 3 months ago!) I started experiencing bad bloating - like I look 5 months pregnant kind of bloating - and this deep pressure on my right side. It didn't get better in a few days or a few weeks so I decided to go see a doctor. I don't really want to go through all the details because it was a really long and frustrating process to get to the cause of what was wrong with me.
I never want to deal with another doctor or doctor's office again. I had an X-ray, then an Ultrasound in which a nurse punched me in the gut with a cold device over and over and then the worse of the worse, the HIDA SCAN where I literally thought I was dying. I couldn't move for two hours and they made me watch the movie Frozen on this tiny screen that was held just enough out of view that I couldn't hear it except for loud bursts of “let it go” that startled the bleep out of me.
After the HIDA death it was revealed that my gallbladder was no longer functioning properly and was only working at 20% (anything below 40% is abnormal). I didn't have any stones or inflammation - it just wasn't working.
I was really frustrated about this and trust me I am not trying to toot my own health horn hear because I love all the bad stuff too and struggle with moderation daily but I think because I've always taken my health pretty seriously - I have been a vegetarian since birth, I don't drink or smoke, I exercise and I am a healthy weight I assumed that meant I got a surgery free card for life. Turns out there is this thing called hereditary that doesn't care if you eat your veggies. Every single person on my dad's side of the family has had their gallbladders removed...so it was luck of the hereditary draw. Yay.
I was absoutely terrified to have surgery -- it was my first and of course I read all the GB horror stories on the internet, so I knew everything that could go wrong and I was pretty convinced it would for me...but luckily it all went well. I am not sure this was the year I was suppose to lose my gallbladder, but I have been morning the loss of Addis hard and I do believe that when we put our bodies through such intense grief or stress it brings to the surface things that were hidden and I think that, combined with my genes, is why I ended up with 4 scars on my tummy, excruciating post-op pain and two weeks of bed rest. I have been very swollen and in a lot of pain but hopefully in a few more days, I'll just be sore and all of the anxiety that I experienced waiting for surgery will be far behind me.
Once I heal up and don't want to scream every time I sit up -- I just want to live again. I know that sounds dramatic but I have spent this year emotionally and physically broken. I have been unable to sleep or even get comfortable from the gallbladder pain and I have wrapped myself so tightly in my own grief that I need to breathe again. Andrew and I have also been working so much and we never take any breaks...so I want to take the last 3 months of this year and have some fun. I want to date my husband again and get outdoors as much as possible. I want to fill my lungs with gratitude and feel young again. I want to stretch my soul and embrace the good.
It doesn't mean I won't have my bad days because I will...even weeks. Losing a loved one doesn't just go away - it stays with you forever but I can't continue this cycle of unhappiness. I must try harder and it took a gallbladder collapse for me to realize this. I am not going to say I am grateful to my GB because it made me miserable for nearly 4 months but I am grateful for this life and for the loved ones I share it with.
Now if you'll excuse me, I must ring a bell for Andrew (Mr. Jeeves) to bring me some snacks.